I have so much to say for once in my life but suddenly I am afraid to say it. I don’t care if someone thinks what I say is rubbish. I don’t care if a single person reads my words, well sort of. I want to notify the people these articles are dedicated to of their existence. I have so many people I want to thank for helping me through life. I have written quite a few articles, thank you notes, or whatever these postings on my website are becoming.

Yet I am afraid to post most of them online. I have dozens just sitting there unpublished. Something is pausing me from releasing them out to the world. I am not even going to put a twitter notice up for this article. I am doing so much self analyzing lately.

Am I becoming to personal, to open with who I am? I am by no means fully recovered from my illness, I may never be. Is this dangerous for me? Am I afraid of criticism? Am I afraid of being ignored? Am I afraid my words do not matter? Am I paranoid? But here I am putting stuff on the internet about me. I believe someone said once something is put on the internet it is forever out there. I do not fully understand my reluctance, I don’t know.

I will say what I do know. I want certain people to know that what they did mattered to one guy. I want to acknowledge the beauty of someone’s art, of their words, or actions that played a small but important part of my life. But at some point that acknowledgement becomes less about me giving thanks and it moves more into pay attention to what I say realm. I’m not comfortable with the thought of that right now. That feeling is in conflict with who I want to become.

You know who I want to be like someday? James Murphy from LCD Soundsystem. Not the rich and famous James Murphy, but the James Murphy who I connect with through his music and the meaning behind it, the James Murphy who resonates inside me. I want to be like Andre Obin, the quite vocalist who hides behind his wonderful synth sounds. The beauty of his music is not only in its breadth of emotion but what he says. I want to be like Trent Reznor. He was the only emotional connection I had with anyone for a long time. It was nice to know I was not alone in my nightmare. I am happy that Trent found a way out of his hell, just like I am finding a way out of mine.

I want to be like Victor Shanks, the greatest leader and possibly the finest man I have had the privilege to know. He taught me how to be a better person. I want to be like my 3 angels of hope and compassion, Beth, Kristy, and Renae. Three VA mental health care workers who, throughout the years, never gave up on me and helped save my life. I want to be like my mother, who sometimes had to work 3 jobs to provide for her kids. I want to be like my wife who, hands down, is the finest human being in existence. She stayed at my side through decades of stress, anxiety, worry, anger, and heartbreak. To be loved by someone of that caliber is amazing, I am honored, privileged, and humbled by it.

I am driven by something inside me to let the world know how important all these people are to me. I don’t want to be a statistic, just one more person who committed suicide or one more person who is mentally ill. I want to give thanks and let the world know I am alive. Maybe this website is what I need to do to heal myself? Maybe I am trying to reach out to someone else who is in the middle of their nightmare, someone who needs to know you are not alone. Someone who needs to know that things can get better if you want them to.

I don’t know how to become any of those people mentioned. I may never become any of those people. But I want the world to know of them through my eyes and my emotions. They are important and they should know it. And by sharing this with them maybe it helps me feel reconnected to the world I lost contact with 12 years ago. I am tired of this small self imprisoned bubble I exist in. I want to share who I think are the most beautiful humans and the wonderful things they do.

Writing is the only tool I have right now but I do see an end to it. I think once I’ve covered enough of these thank you’s and enough of my past I may move on to other mediums. My wife generously allowed me to buy a Go Pro camera. I want to try experimental art with it. If nothing else, I can use it from time to time to capture my wife and I on our future adventures we are planning. I know I want to create something but I am not ready to do that quite yet. Until then I guess I’ll continue with what I am doing.

Will Scott Biff the Boss

I want to tell you about someone I admire.  Someone who I strangely connect with on multiple levels.  His character on LARPs is named Will/Biff.  On Twitch he is known as BiffTheBawss.  His name is Scott Humphrey. 

LARPs is a show about Live Action Role Playing.  It is a subculture in the Role-Playing Game (RPG) community.  These are people who dress in costume, carry around props and act out their characters in the physical world.  Adults playing pretend.  It is not for everyone.  But the LARPs cast made an interesting story out of it.

I relate to the character Will, played by Scott Humphrey.  He is a closet LARP geek, just as I was a closet game geek as a teen.  For me it was more than just video games, it was board games, card games, and RPGs.  My RPG of choice was Robotech.  I mostly played solo for years.  Scott’s character, Will, is the awkward cool acting guy that pretends to not be into LARPing. A guy who just wants to hang out with his friends.  That mentality is the way I acted about my RPG and board games, pretending it was no big deal to me.  For my friends, if it was not a video game, it was not cool.

BiffTheBawss, a Twitch channel, is Scott being a true actor, a storyteller exploring new ideas and approaches then sharing them with the world.  He draws inspiration from any game he is currently interested in.  He creates and role plays that character while playing the game that inspired it. He streams this all online and I applaud him for it.  Again, I can relate to this somewhat; I draw inspiration from things that matter to me and write about them to share them online too. 

Watching BiffTheBawss has been fun and amazing at times while a rare few times he has been a little off.  However those few times Scott maybe off do not matter, I always admire watching someone loving what they are doing.  This is how I look at my writing.  Sometimes I am proud of what I have posted, other times is a gooey mess.  Like Scott, I enjoy exploring and sharing what I find interesting regardless of audience opinion. 

I have watched him as much as I could throughout the years, popping up under a variety of different names.  I always feel the need to shed my digital skin by changing my identity every time I go through a major transition with my mental health.   Twitch was the only place I felt comfortable enough to be my mentally ill self with others.  I was literally just a sentence on a screen and was always treated the same as everyone else by Scott and his small community.  It was perfect.  Typing a word or sentience in chat made me feel accepted for who I was.  That was one of those important small baby steps allowing me to become comfortable with who I am.

Anyone can be a role model.  For me, Scott Humphrey is one of my role models.  He has entertained me, shown me that there is no shame in doing something you like, and most important, he inspires me.  If you want to see creative low budget content, watch LARPs with Amazon Prime or on YouTube.  Watch RPG Clinic on Twitch.  Check out Scott’s significant other, Elizabeth Neale, aka Punchy who is also on Twitch.  Scott and his friends are real people, enjoying what they do regardless of who is watching, and they are amazing. 

Thank you, Scott Humphrey




Disconnect Your Wires

Today is ‘Disconnect the Wires’, which in my opinion, is one of Andre Obin’s finest tracks to date.  The song’s structure, its message, and the video cinematography make for an amazing combination of medium that helps deliver it to your consciousness. 

The ‘Disconnect the Wires’ video is reminiscent of the classic Pink Floyd ‘Money’ video.  Ao effectively uses a combination of motion blurred time-lapse footage with speed ramped footage to create a perfect visual metaphor of how overloaded people, in their day-to-day lives, forget about the world around them.  It all gets lost in that busy blur, people rarely taking note of the overlooked but remarkably beautiful things around us daily. 

Another aspect that we all can relate to in life is the energy-draining media of today’s society.  It seems as if everything has become so sensationalized and blown out of proportion to the point it drains you mentally.  That impression is not only driven home with the lyrics but the way they are sung.  Ao’s message is something everyone should take to heart.  All these electronic devices and apps are engineered to streamline content directly through your eyes, your ears, and your mind.  For me that digital static is represented by that infectious synth line that is so addicting to listen to.

When I watch this video, it feels like my eyes are that of the camera lens.  I am disconnected from the world, frozen in place and watching it fly by at a blurring pace.  The moment you realize the message of the song, Obin brings in a chill instrumental that is relaxing to listen to.  The imagery slows so you can admire the gorgeous city skylines.  That made such an impact upon me the first time I saw it.  My desktop wallpaper has been similar city skylines ever since.  This reminds me to slow down and admire the beauty of the world from time to time.

This is the message created from ‘Disconnect the Wires’ and it is the reason why this video is the first one on my playlist.  It is a reminder to unplug from the electronic world from time to time.  You should take a moment of your day to either enjoy this wonderful video and song or unplug and go outside, listen, look, and enjoy the world around you.

Missing Person with Words

Words is the soundtrack to my private life.

My mood, my attitude is symbolized in that upbeat new wave pop music coming out of the speakers from Mission Persons.  I have not been this happy in 16 years.  I am alive and life is worth living.  This sound best describes my emotions right now.  Now that I’m happy, I want to create.  I want to share with others what I find beautiful.  However, when I write it down, I feel my words are confusing to understand.  I am having difficulty finding a way to express my thoughts and ideas in a creative and engaging way.  Those words I type are similar to Dale Bozzio’s singing style and their lyrics.

I love the way she does it.  It is brilliant to have the chorus lines clear and understandable but then the rest of the lyrics sung in that playful way Dale does to help hide the finer parts of her message.  She forces you to sit forward, tilt your ear to the music, and pay attention.  This was done to perfection.  So, what is she saying?  If you look to the lyrics you can tell the band was in a similar place in their life as I am in mine.

I feel like I am in her shoes, as I am in a similar situation as this band was in 1981.  I hear Dale sing, Do you hear me? Do you care?  And yes, I hear you, after forty years I hear you.  Because I am in experiencing similar things.  My writing is the first verse she sings out.  When I talk to my wife about my ideas to write about, I see this dazed look.  Sometimes they make no sense to me either.  How is someone else able to know what I am talking about if the closest person to me does not understand?  And to answer Dale’s second question, yes, I do care because Dale Bozzio and Missing Persons are an important part of my past.

I was 9 or 10 when I saw this video, my face a foot or two away from the vacuum-tube screen.  I remember the sound, that tempo, that synth line, the guitars and Dale’s excitable little exclamation she puts into her singing.  For me, watching the beginning of the music video age, it was all amazing. But it was more than just the music for me, it was the look and the vibe.  At that age, this video caught my attention.  My growing awareness of the opposite sex noticed Dale’s sexuality and burned it into my memory. But I realize now I was too young to fully see what the whole message was about.

For them, it was more than their music too, it was their look.  They brought awareness to their music and their message through it.  The hair, the clothes (in this case the lack there of), and the makeup.  Back in the early ’80s, this was bold.  Even though the song and video are retro history today, Dale Bozzio’s look is still the ‘near future’ look of tomorrow.  The look was all about “hey I’m here and I have something to say”.  Do you hear me?  Do you care?  So, I am echoing out to the world 40 years later, yes, I hear you and I do care.  Do you hear me?  Do you care? 

For me, as it was for them, it is more than just the music or the lyrics.  It is the cinematography; it is the image, the fashion, the lighting, the art direction, the film cuts, the camera angles, Dale’s makeup, and her hair.  These are the very things I want to write about.  I want to be fearless and exciting, as Dale was bold and beautiful.  I want to expose myself to the world as Dale exposed her semi nude body to the camera.   I want to take a chance.  I want to create YouTube videos that are just as amazing as this video.  These things are a part of me.  It is the part of me I want to show the world, but I feel so alone.  Will you hear me?  Will you care?

I understand the perspective in ‘Words’, because that is my life right now.  I am typing to that brick wall; I am reevaluating my perspective, my writing.  I am struggling to shrug off the encasement of my mental illness that is the obstacle in my way.  I know what she means by ‘walking always backwards in the face of strangers’.  That is how I feel every time I walk out the door with my anxiety issues.   She sings about how time could be her friend but there is no time left.  I feel that.  Over 20 years ago, time started to come to a stop for me.  Now that I am awake, I feel that I’ve run out of time to live, so I better make the most of it now.

I see all this creative brilliance in social media, it is all amazing and wonderful. But there so much of that kind of noise out there.  You feel you need to do something so over the top creatively to be heard or scene.  I understand Dale’s perspective and why she did the look.

I feel the need to do something bold and drastic, maybe I too will dye my hair blue just as Dale sings of. It is all frustrating to me. How do I be creative with what I have?  These are the reasons this song strongly resonates inside me. 

My best Brad Pitt 12 Monkeys look!

I love these personal one-way connections I form with any artist.  I get such a rush when all these different mediums combine to create something more powerful than when they are viewed separately.  When I can relate and understand them in my private way, it is exciting for me and I want to share.  After all, what are words for?  Do you hear me?  Do you care? 

The preamble.

“We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”

This is the preamble of the Constitution.  It is the mission statement of the Constitution.  It is the spirit of what the constitution is supposed to uphold. These are the bullet points in the Constitution; we, people, form, more, perfect, union, justice, insure, tranquility, common, defence, promote, welfare, secure, blessings, liberty, ourselves, posterity, ordain and establish.  It is not only up to the politicians, judges, and lawyers to debate these words, we the people can too.

People can say a lot about these words.  They can warp, twist and intentionally change their true meaning.  But they cannot change the order they were written in.  I believe our founding fathers intended to make the most important things come first in this new experiment in government.

We, the citizens, want to make a society of unified states, the ‘union’, that we all can coexist in.  The level of that existence is supposed to be ‘perfect’. To do that we need a society where we make laws to create the ‘justice’ we seek. In my opinion, a ‘perfect’ union, would be equality for all.  There are a lot of us working towards that, but there are also lots of us who are not.

What is domestic tranquility?  For me, that means going to the grocery store and not expecting to die.  It is being able to live on minimum wage.  Domestic tranquility is the right to be any sexuality you choose to be and not be discriminated against for it.  To be Black, Asian, White without fear from your neighbors.  It is the right to your body and your privacy.  Domestic tranquility is the right to be Democrat or Republican, Islamic or Christian, and not be attacked or killed for it.  It is the right to live in a peaceful society with justice.  To me, these are principles of a ‘perfect’ union, with ‘perfect’ justice, in a ‘perfect’ life. 

I don’t understand why there is such push-back against the core fundamentals of our Constitution. Why is the first amendment allowed to trump, full pun intended, the preamble, the very heart of who we want to be?  Why are people allowed to say stuff that is hateful and inciteful and have no accountability in the anonymous world of the internet?

Why am I allowed to say Nigger? Spick? Gook? Retard? Shitbag? Ect. ect.

Why am I allowed to throw these hateful words at someone in a hateful manner should I wish to? Why would I have virtually no accountability over it?  I don’t feel this falls within any intent of the preamble.  Any kind of hate speech is not free speech.  

I know there are hate laws and legislature against what I am talking about.  But if not enforced and left unchecked, those words build into problems.  Those problems build into the ‘news’ headlines of today.  Here are a few consequences stemming this issue; BLM vs. ALM, QANON, MAGA, ANTIFA, etc., and all those other abbreviations. 

Black lives do matter.  To the black community, I hear you even though I do not know what it is like to live in your shoes.  I have a notion, mentally ill people are shunned and discriminated against too, but not to the extent the black people in the United States have been for over 400 years.  So many people do not hear or care, they use their white privilege to push back with stuff like ‘All Lives Matter’, to nullify the issue black communities are face with today.  Many white people do not want to see the injustice.  Too many are too afraid or ignorant to acknowledge their fortunate privileges, positions, and perspectives in this world.  

Then we have the QANON lies and misinformation allowed to run rampant in the last 4 years.  It saddens me people cannot think for themselves anymore.  MAGA is used as a joke or pun to combat its use as an anger trigger against another person when they see it.  Make America Great Again.  I do not feel America is even close to being as great as it was before the Trump years. Then you throw Antifa in the mix.  A small but growing minority feel they must resort to violence to be heard.  Using violence instead of words means there is an issue not being listen too.  Similar but worse is the amplified voice and violence of the right-wing extremism of groups like the ‘Proud Boys’, the ‘Boogaloo Boyz’, and other white extremist groups.  Then they innocently try to hide behind the ex-president’s double entendre words.  The bullshit of plausible deniability built into them.

The very fact all these things are ‘newsworthy’, and we are talking about it, means the system is not working towards that ‘perfect’ union of ‘justice’ and ‘domestic tranquility’.  Why are some things allowed to be said only to be hurtful and harmful toward minority communities of any stature?  I do not agree with it. Just look to other counties for examples on how to fix it.  Some are unbelievably bad but some particularly good.  We must want that change for all of us for it to get better.  But we cannot or we will not it seems. 

And talk of change leads me to talk about the second amendment.  It is just as distorted as the first.  Why does a person’s right to bear arms, which I don’t disagree with, infringe upon another person’s right to live and breathe in a society that will not kill them for a misunderstanding, a moment of anger, an ‘alleged’ illegal act, going to school, going to the grocery store, or sitting in your house?  

Race, religion, sexual or political beliefs.  These are all things we have the right to believe in, but it always seems that a person with a gun says otherwise.  The victims of any shooting lose all their rights the instant someone else pulls the trigger on their one right.  And that does not seem ‘right’ to me.  Again, another pun but it does not seem funny.  

Sure, there are laws and forms and procedures and legislature and ‘and’.  It always seems to be the ‘and’ added to protect us from these things, yet here they are in the news, and here I am talking about it. 

The system is broken.  Why does this amendment, as it is now, have the right to trump, again, pun intended, the spirit of the Constitution?  It allows an individual the right to strip others of all their rights with a pull of a trigger.  I don’t understand why some people are okay with this. Why?

But what about common defense?  That is written down too, correct?  Yes, this is the reference in the preamble expressed by the 2nd Amendment.  But ‘provide for a common defense’ comes after ‘domestic tranquility’.  It does that for a reason.  Living a peaceful and productive life in a tranquil setting was viewed as more important and as a higher priority by our founding fathers than a right to abused and misuse words and guns to strip away another person’s liberty.  

American citizens can bear arms, I absolutely agree with that, but I do not agree with the way we are doing it now.  I see no reason for a firearm designed to kill a human to be legal outside the military or police forces.  I think Americans can protect their liberty with revolvers, shotguns, and 5 round capacity bolt or lever action hunting rifles just as well.  Let the police and the military have semi-automatic pistols, large-capacity magazines, the semi-automatic/automatic rifles, and nobody should have sub machine guns or machine guns but the military. 

These are not designed for anything but to kill other humans.  I do not see the need for those weapons to be in a civilian’s hands.  That does not work towards that ‘perfect union’, justice, or domestic tranquility listed before the defense.  

Then comes the general welfare clause.  The welfare of all Americans, the young, the old, the poor, and the rich.  This too is becoming a broken ideal.  There is too much money going out of the Government coffers and not enough coming in.  Too much of our taxes are going outside our borders for the wrong reasons.  To much of it is being misused to keep the rich, rich. 

The wealth gap is growing too far, too fast.  The poor are being suppressed by corporate lobbyism too much.  Union memberships are down to their lowest level in 80 some years.   Workers stopped have no one to protect their interests. 

The minimum wage is not realistic anymore and has not been for a decade.  What the dollar can buy has been steadily decreasing with no wage increase to offset it.  Why did my mother have to work 3 jobs to feed, cloth and provide shelter to her kids? 

The ultra-rich collectively are not helping the society, if anything, they are bleeding it like what a vampire does to their victim.  The big money vacuum of corporate capitalism at work.  Reaganomics is a failed ideal still embraced today.

All these principles, the ‘Blessing of Liberty’, must work together while not infringing upon the other.  That is a tall order to fill.  That intent has long been lost since it was first written in 1789.  

All this dysfunction in politics and society does not bode well for that ‘Posterity’ mentioned in the preamble.  What kind of future are we really making for our children’s children?  Can we, as Americans, do our part in preserving that foundation enjoyed by our ancestors?  I do not know anymore.  I question where we are at right now as a nation.  Sadly, this is becoming more of a human issue than just a national one. 

Global warming is real, yet people are more concerned with the status quo than improving things for future generations.  To ears are closed to science.  They hear the dollars instead of the data.   The world around us is dying, it is a huge death knell to warn us, be we as species refuse to hear it.

I see the searching for answers within our government.  The call for earmarks to come back to add some political grease to the axle of governance.  The call for the end of the filibuster, an attempt to sidestep ‘the political avoidance’ and the red tape of politics to push forth new policies.  I think they are both good ideas and are needed.  Some form of governmental experimentation must happen soon before a small mass of heavily armed people makes those experimental decisions for all of us, good or bad.  That can only lead to an open armed conflict in the streets.

The dysfunction in the government legislature is a direct representation of our social state.  How do we bring functionality back into our society and our politics?  It seems no one wants to listen to another person anymore, it is all ‘TLDR’.  Everyone is being pushed into echo chambers dictated by search engines and data collection.  Something is amiss.  We all realize this.  And we are all trying to go about solving our problems differently.  

Some people think strong-arm tactics are the only way forward and, to be honest, I see their reasoning, I just do not agree with their approach.  Our government must be able to improve the system; things are going to have to change soon.  Or more people and more things are going to start breaking more often and more violently.  

In the meantime, the blood of patriots and tyrants will have to continue to flow to renew that tree of liberty.  We as a people are the only ones who can stop this with the help of our politicians, judges, and lawyers.  God help us all if too many clogs in the machinery fail us too often.  That leads me to one final question.  Will we, as a society, as a nation, survive if we continue to go down this dysfunctional path?

Buckle up for the age of digitally enhanced social discourse.

My ‘Gooey’ failure

Where it feels my life is going

I spent the last 2 weeks contemplating my ‘Gooey’ mess of an article.  This is not the direction I want to go in.  I see now that sorta stuff is more of a script than an article.  So I’m looking into going down the YouTube route.  I’m doing the google searches and gathering links.  But I’m not following through on the research yet.  I’m just writing in a diary and collecting links.  I’m putting these thoughts into folders with names to help me remember what I’m doing.  It’s just so much data piling up .  

So I’m looking at this big pile of data, trying to think of what I can do with this.  In the back of my mind, I see the vision I want to express.  That is the hard part, isn’t it.  I literally want to express the emotion of something, what it feels like to see that object.  What does the sound make your emotions do?  And when I write this down here, it’s all looks and sounds like stoner type talk.

But in all honesty, I have felt this way about music since I was a boy.  When I watch music videos I am transported into another sense of dimension.  I love to hear the layering of music, regardless of it is acoustical, electric, or electronic.  I love to see the visuals of inspiration expressed in the cinematography.  I am drawn to find the deeper meanings in music.  I admire how 2 or 3 formats of medium can be mixed together to create something so dynamic and interpretive.  

To me, music is a refreshing rainbow of thoughts and feelings.  That’s the best I can do to describe what music does to me and what it is for me.  In an attempt to express my emotions, thoughts and ideas on music, I don’t think this type of writing is the way to go.  I think that type of writing is more for scripts.  Then it leads me to go towards YouTube and my fear of infringing upon the copyrights of the artist.  That is kind of a break on my momentum.  

How far can I pay homage to a music artist without infringing on their rights?  This is extremely important to me.  I don’t want to turn from a fan into a corporate entity to any artist.  Some people might see what I’m trying to do and then some might be mad if you use a bit too much of their material in a creative or an expressive musical critic way.  Then this leads me down the lawyer route and down into the rabbit hole and just gets deeper and deeper.

So this is where I stand in my quest to be creative.  This is the ‘Gooey’ mess I feel I am in. But I’m glad I tried and failed. That one bad article made me realize I need to try to contextualize my ideas better. To try and boil down what I want to try to achieve and the best way to do it.  I’m starting to put my framework of ideas and plans together.  So I’ll continue to collecting data, allowing it to percolate my thoughts into something more refined and unique.

In a way I feel like Dr. Clayton Forrester from MST3k subjecting one or two people to my evil experiments! Mwahahaha! Hope you like my original meme! On to my next experiment!

An artistic look at Glass Animals ‘Gooey’

The video “Gooey” from Glass Animals is an amazing piece of visual and audio art. The band Glass Animals is a UK-based, four-member psychedelic indie band consisting of Dave Bayley, Edmund Irwin-Singer, Drew Macfarlane, and Joe Seaward. The video is directed by ‘The Apairy’, the creative duo of Lily Coates and Gavin Youngs based in Berlin Germany. The beautiful cinematography is by Phillip Kaminak.

This video has an overall fantastic production quality to it. I would have liked to have seen one more ethnically diverse person included in the cast to make it perfect in execution but it is still well cast nonetheless. The video is shot in a single location. Its rich dark patterned floors and the beautiful wooden engraved wall panels set a perfect backdrop stage to draw the eye to the visual story of the characters. I recommend watching the video first before you read the article if you haven’t seen it. 

Just what is the story? At first glance, we are introduced to a gold-plated chemist and his chemistry in action. The glass Friedrichs condenser, a separating funnel, and the use of the bowl and mortar to grind some elements into a useful state. Next, we see the boiling action of chemistry in action with a superimposed hint of what’s to come within it.

Just what is this video going to be about? We see the chemist or alchemist creation come into existence and begin to wonder where this love story is going to go as the scene fades to black. With the sultry xylophonic sounds of introduction and the androgynist high vocals of Bayley, Gooey sets the perfect atmosphere of love brewing, doesn’t it? 

As the next scene fades back into focus we are jolted out of our assumptions. We see a young girl standing over a man on the floor, the first assumption is she poisoned him. All this thought in a flash of the moment. As she stands over him, we see the blank interaction play out between the two. What evil has this man brought upon this innocent girl to deserve this death? Again, we are jolted out of our perceptions of what is happening as the man extends his tongue out for more of this mysterious liquid the girl offers.

Is this an erotic fetish playing out before us? Does the young woman desire the father figure of the man? Does the older man enjoy the domination of the younger woman? Our ears are telling us this is sultry and seductive, can our eyes deceive us from the true story of the video? The older adult man dressed in a wrestling singlet trundling down the stairs brings confusion into the mix. As the camera shot goes over the railing we are once again jolted by what we are seeing.

The old man wrestling with the young man changes the erotic fetish narrative into a homoerotic one as we watch the old pinning the young down. The stare and the fetish-like state of mouth drool driving home the point. What we expect to happen next doesn’t occur. The mysterious liquid in the guise of drool falls upon the cheek of the youth. As it enters his ear, we are flabbergasted with the bombardment of the ever-changing nature of the eroticism. Seeing the drop take a live of its own we are introduced to a new twist adding tension to the story.

Backing up this visual story are the beautiful hypnotic xylophone melodies and the smooth and sultry but perplexing lyrics sung in the song. What we have been watching is a key to an interpretation of those lyrics as we catch sight of the young man walking past the smoldering fire into the next scene. 

There is no tease nor confusion of what we are now witnessing. As we watch two people in a pure lust-of-the-moment interaction, we question what is the true meaning of the video and the song. We are visually and audibly engaged with the sexuality of what is happening so there is no longer a need to shock the viewer through another twist in a scene transition as we see the end of a sensual kiss and the mysterious liquid being passed on to the woman.  

During this next transition, we hear a change in chorus, a pause of most of the melodic layering with the echoing ‘gooey’ synth repeating out, and then the resumption of the melody in a lower octave. Additionally, we are given a visual reprieve as we see the dancer slowly float away on her love high. I want to express how important this moment is for the audience. This is the climactic moment in the song and the video that helps bring that awareness and realization. As the song lowers the audio stimulation, the visual stimulation is also damped down, allowing our minds to process what we are hearing and seeing. 

We are realizing the overall synchronicity of these mediums as we see her prance of the excitement and joy of new love. The lyrical poetry of the composition allows for a great many individual interpretations of the meaning behind them. The melodic composition sets the tone and further narrows possible interpretations of the lyrics. We finally come to the visuals, which refines interpretations to a more clear and complete understanding. In my backward process, I am using visuals to help define the artistic representation of the song.

As you watch the female prancer rhythmically nodding her head to your growing enlightenment, you come to understand that this is about. Acceptance of your sexual orientation, what sexually excites you, and who you desire and love regardless of outside opinion. If you read the lyrics alone, they are a dual perspective, of an outside entity giving caution of reckless yearning intertwined with a second perspective with the use of “I” at the start of the line. The visual conception uses that secondary perspective in those few lyrical lines in the song as the inspiration. The visuals are extremely effective to push back against that outside perspective of the lyrical warnings.

The mysterious liquid is being transferred to its next carrier. As you, the audience, are being dragged into a realization of the meaning and symbolism both visually and lyrically in the video, it brought to your attention the story is not over as we are given our last twist to the video.

As the scene transitions, the mysterious liquid is carried with great reverence upon a golden tray. That liquid is the symbolic umbrella of all the facets of love; infatuation, desire, lust, intimacy, and passion. As the camera swings to the nude Renaissance beauty of a woman splayed out on the stylized couch, we are struck by the powerful imagery presented here. The visual climax of the story is beautifully done. Not only does this reflect the past artworks from the renaissance paints of beautiful plump women, but it also takes direct inspiration from Lucian Freud’s Benefits Supervisor Sleeping, from 1995.

Lucian Freud’s ‘Benefits Supervisor Sleeping’ from 1995

As symbolic love is freely given to this beautiful goddess, it helps us realize the overall meaning behind the song and the video. Love in all its various forms knows no bounds, regardless of age, orientation, race, and appearance. As the gold alchemist reverently collects the ever-growing collection of passion and desire, we come to realize that the gold-covered alchemist is a symbolic representation of an angel of love. Whether it Gabriel or Cupid, it collects these desires given by our Goddess and wrings them upon the heat of passion to continue its steamy propagation to all who are open to receive it.

As the song starts to quietly enters its final dreamy xylophonic melody, the camera pulls back and we see the cast arrayed in the steamy sauna-like setting. This visually shows us again that love knows no bounds and no limits. It encompasses us all equally and there should be no shame of our looks, orientation, and race when it comes to it. 

The song Gooey has an overall beautiful melodic quality to it. Dave Bayley sang in a way to assist and accompany the music. His performance is smart enough that he doesn’t overpower the music nor is it sung too softly to be muted by it. MacFarlane and Irwin-Singer do a wonderful job on backup vocals, together they are a great harmonic unit. Additionally, their keyboard synth filters are like warm chocolate chip cookies, soft enough when combined with a fermata long enough to help give it the gooey sound of its title. Watching live performances, Seaward does a solid job on his rhythm pacing and volume control of his percussion instruments. 

The production quality of this video is well done. The minimum use of superimpositions and flashy digital techniques helps give the story a human quality. The art direction was well thought out and executed not only in the location and lighting chosen but the props and materials used to build a hidden meaning behind the video. The camera angles where very effective in tell the story. The whole crew who worked on the video is a quality job. ‘The Apairy’ used cuts long enough to show us the story but short enough to question what we were seeing.  

The directing in this video was exceptional. The pacing of the cuts matched with the tempo of the music helps keep the suspense up with the additions of the plot twists. This is one of the crowning achievements of this video. The use of sexual undertones with a twist at the end of the scene captures the viewer’s attention. It draws you into the story. Transitions are used symbolically and are well-timed. The use of the railing to divide between two types of sexual orientation, the burning fire of desire, the doorway of discovery, the tray of enlightenment, and the steam of passion to name some.

As mentioned before, the cast is the only shortcoming of the whole experience. I feel one of the male roles could have been cast from a more visually unique ethnicity. The gender roles of the story are well placed. The roles of those parts are also well casted. The cast is attractive enough but not overly beautiful to take away from the story except in the key role. Our Renaissance woman, Charlotte Berhorst, is absolutely perfect in her goddess role. She is fearless, bold, and beautiful in her role and I applaud her for it.

To love is to be human.  The song, production, and casting exemplify this into a perfect trifecta of quality art.

Copyright Cary Eckland of Life-ReStarted.com

Song ‘Gooey’ from Glass Animals album Zaba, 2014

Video production Pulse Films

Director ‘The Apairy’; Lily Coates and Gavin Youngs

Cinematographer Phillip Kaminak along with additional information for the cast.

‘Benefits Supervisor Sleeping’, Lucian Freud, 1995. Courtesy of Acquavella Galleries

My apologies to any person not properly recognized for their work.

The Vision

I almost didn’t write this.  I finally realized what this website is to me.  It’s a reawakening of my mind, of my spirit.  It’s a great big sieve for my thoughts to be put out there in my writing.  In the last 2 weeks, I have written 8 articles in a fairly complete format and have about double that in various states of completion. In all of that, I have found what calls to me.

This website is my rebirth cry out to the world, hey I’m alive.  Now that I’m starting to feel alive, I’m starting to outgrow what this website is.  I feel that this is not the proper venue to showcase what I can do.  This site feels confining and limiting and does not fit with the new me that is starting to grow.

Right now, I’m writing for 2 websites.  The one you are reading, open to any who care to look.  Which let’s be honest, it’s a private emotional musing of someone new to writing.  BORING.  The second is for some future me that has a vision of a unique website that is a better venue for what I want to create.  I want these other thoughts to be presented on a more professionally polished site.

Right now, those other articles are still in a raw stage, mere concepts. For some one new to writing, how do you describe the beauty of something you not only see but feel?  How do you write about something profound and not sound stupid? I need to learn how to articulate better before I jump into that void.

It’s hard for me to hold back, I’m drawn to this vision of a different website to showcase my serious side.  Beside writing, I have to learn so much before I can give life to this new idea.  Copyrights, web design, marketing, networking, maybe even a business lawyer if it goes anywhere.  There is so much to do and I feel that writing for this website takes me away from all the excitement of this vision I want to chase.

But I can’t cut the cord just yet.  To do so might prove dangerous.  I feel some sort of obligation to keep writing and posting on this site for now.  I have to remind myself it’s good therapy for me.  I makes me feel alive and it creates a ‘work environment’ for me.  If I lost this structure now, I’m afraid of stalling out in my drive to create this new site.  I can see that it would be really easy for me to lose focus on my goals and turn my writing into a weird private journal of my inner thoughts.

So, for now, I’m going to try to use this website as my private university.  I’m going to go through the pains of learning how to become a writer here.  I’m going to learn how to copyright the most boring mundane musing of a middle-aged man.  I’m going to try to learn how to format a functional website.  Interlinking, menus, and all the other stuff you need to know to make this run efficient.  While I’m doing that, I’m going to explore this other side of me.

I feel this dual life is the path I need to follow for now. I’m excited for my future for the first time in decades. I feel alive again and its just as scary as my depression but more thrilling!

The Seesaw Approach

I need to rebuild my work ethic. I’m finding that I don’t really have one anymore. I’m so discombobulated from years of inactivity. It feels like my thoughts, ideas, and organization are all over the place. It probably shows in my writing too. Sure, you could say it’s because of the cannabis, and it could very well be. But I feel it’s more than that.

My mind used to be so dark and quiet. I think of it in terms of a long-abandoned house on an overcast Fall day. It was cold, quiet, dusty, dark, and empty. Echoes of who I was travel throughout my mind. Just as if you were to walk through a gloomy abandoned house looking at the past signs of life there. That’s how I felt, it’s a really hollow feeling in your life. There is no color. Everything is seen in shades of grey. Just like the blinds drawn on an overcast day. Empty of life. That is day-to-day living with long-term depression.

I don’t feel like that anymore. I feel the sun, hear the birds, smell the fresh breeze. I can finally taste life once more and I want to be a part of the world again. To me, everything is inspiring, it is overwhelming at times. After so long of doing nothing but breathing, I’m lost on what to do and where to go and how to get there with my life. This is only one step of my journey to somewhere.

So, I’ll try the seesaw idea.

So, I have some crazy notion of trying to market myself as a commodity. Isn’t that what a lot of bloggers do already? I have these ‘wonderful’ ideas on where I want to go in life, of running a website, of writing some series for some paper or magazine. I’m just like a million other writers out there. How do I even get close to these goals? I need a work ethic again and I need to learn how to balance my life with my …career? Is that what I’m trying to do here? Yeah, I guess its a possibility, time will tell.

For me, I need to slowly make more life habit changes. Drastic changes never stick for a person like me. Everything needs to be done in slow steps. Should I try to schedule my life into blocks like normal people? Should I go with a seesaw approach, writing one day then the next do something for the household? Just go freestyle and try to wing it? I see that trying to block off and scheduling things might meet with frustration and failure. Freestyle is to unpredictable and unfocused. So, I’ll try the seesaw idea.

Now the next question, how much time should I spend on something? My guess would be to do as much as I want while being healthy about things. I need to make time for eating, exercise, stepping away to smell the roses sort of stuff and most importantly, my responsibilities. I have a rough idea of what I want to do and if it doesn’t work out, I’m not sure what I’ll do. I guess that’s another step for another time.

It might take me a while to build up a work ethic, I’m okay with doing the work so long as I’m moving forward. So, how much time am I willing to give myself, a year or two? Should I be harder on myself and push? If so, when? So many question, I guess I’ll have to discuss it with my therapist! For now, I’ll just have to start to put the work into this and see what happens.


I want to tell you a dream.  Let me take you back to grade school.  I stood in line with all the other boys and girls, waiting to tell the class what my future job was going to be.  John dreamt of being a lawyer, Jane wants to be a pilot, and Aaron wanted to be a doctor.

Now it’s my turn in line to finally tell the class what I want to be when I grow up.

I want to be a writer!  Yes, I’ll write about music and awesome videos and art direction, and and cool movies!  I’ll grow up and be really really famous and wealthy!  Oh boy, it’s going to be swell.  Do I finally get to sit down, Miss Burnham?  Miss Burnham?  It feels like I’ve been waiting in line for decades… Miss Burnham? 

So now back to reality.  How am I going to be a writer?  I’ve clicked and browsed into it.  Read a blog or two on tips to being a writer and that’s all.  So basically, I know nothing.  I have no clue if this is something I should even go after.  I have no idea if this is something I can sustain.  I used to love creative writing decades ago but I don’t know if it’s the same for me now.  I’m in my late forties, I haven’t done any serious writing since college.  I’ve barely had any education in writing.  What little I do have, I vaguely remember. 

I don’t have a lot of choices left in life.  I’ll never be a lawyer, pilot, or a doctor.  I’m too broke, literally.  I’m too financially, mentally, and physically broke to do much in life now.  Plus, I’m still too scared of talking to people I meet when I go out.   I haven’t worked in almost 10 years.  I’m at the Start of the Monopoly board with no money.  I know realistically that is a store clerk or a fast-food manager in the middle of nowhere USA is about the only place in life I can achieve.  I’m not knocking those jobs, they are important.  Imagine your world without that convenience.  But I still have dreams of doing something great.

That is why I want to believe this could work for me.  I can’t do physical labor.  For now, I can’t talk to people day after day.  Financially I can afford to write as much as I can, I have the time, I’m in a stable place in my life.  My wife and I have a house over our heads, she’s got a great job and we can feed ourselves.  I can write until I get to a better place mentally, where I can talk to and be around people. 

Once I feel comfortable enough talking to people again, I can start a part-time job somewhere.  All that time I can just keep writing.  Once I settle down in a comfortable spot in life, I can stop.  Or I can just keep living the dream of wanting to write for a living.  This could be my hobby, my diary of life that a person or two can glimpse at through their journey of life.

I’m getting anxious just thinking about this.  I wanted to start this blog to help myself recover from depression; this will be the 8th article I’ve written.  Reality check, Am I crazy?  Am I wrong for wanting to try?  I don’t want to be, I want to do something I like for a living, who doesn’t.  Why not just give it a try?  Why not just write about what I like and know about?  At worst it will help me become a better writer.  It will have given me a creative outlet till I’ve found a more grounded and realistic path to go down.  At best, truthfully for me, I get some employment, something that can help us scrape by with a bill or two. 

This is my dream, maybe it will change, maybe it won’t.  For now, I’ll just keep plugging away, one article at a time, and see where this path leads me to.  You are all welcome to see where it goes too.  Slow motion reality blog?!?