Uncertain

I have so much to say for once in my life but suddenly I am afraid to say it. I don’t care if someone thinks what I say is rubbish. I don’t care if a single person reads my words, well sort of. I want to notify the people these articles are dedicated to of their existence. I have so many people I want to thank for helping me through life. I have written quite a few articles, thank you notes, or whatever these postings on my website are becoming.

Yet I am afraid to post most of them online. I have dozens just sitting there unpublished. Something is pausing me from releasing them out to the world. I am not even going to put a twitter notice up for this article. I am doing so much self analyzing lately.

Am I becoming to personal, to open with who I am? I am by no means fully recovered from my illness, I may never be. Is this dangerous for me? Am I afraid of criticism? Am I afraid of being ignored? Am I afraid my words do not matter? Am I paranoid? But here I am putting stuff on the internet about me. I believe someone said once something is put on the internet it is forever out there. I do not fully understand my reluctance, I don’t know.

I will say what I do know. I want certain people to know that what they did mattered to one guy. I want to acknowledge the beauty of someone’s art, of their words, or actions that played a small but important part of my life. But at some point that acknowledgement becomes less about me giving thanks and it moves more into pay attention to what I say realm. I’m not comfortable with the thought of that right now. That feeling is in conflict with who I want to become.

You know who I want to be like someday? James Murphy from LCD Soundsystem. Not the rich and famous James Murphy, but the James Murphy who I connect with through his music and the meaning behind it, the James Murphy who resonates inside me. I want to be like Andre Obin, the quite vocalist who hides behind his wonderful synth sounds. The beauty of his music is not only in its breadth of emotion but what he says. I want to be like Trent Reznor. He was the only emotional connection I had with anyone for a long time. It was nice to know I was not alone in my nightmare. I am happy that Trent found a way out of his hell, just like I am finding a way out of mine.

I want to be like Victor Shanks, the greatest leader and possibly the finest man I have had the privilege to know. He taught me how to be a better person. I want to be like my 3 angels of hope and compassion, Beth, Kristy, and Renae. Three VA mental health care workers who, throughout the years, never gave up on me and helped save my life. I want to be like my mother, who sometimes had to work 3 jobs to provide for her kids. I want to be like my wife who, hands down, is the finest human being in existence. She stayed at my side through decades of stress, anxiety, worry, anger, and heartbreak. To be loved by someone of that caliber is amazing, I am honored, privileged, and humbled by it.

I am driven by something inside me to let the world know how important all these people are to me. I don’t want to be a statistic, just one more person who committed suicide or one more person who is mentally ill. I want to give thanks and let the world know I am alive. Maybe this website is what I need to do to heal myself? Maybe I am trying to reach out to someone else who is in the middle of their nightmare, someone who needs to know you are not alone. Someone who needs to know that things can get better if you want them to.

I don’t know how to become any of those people mentioned. I may never become any of those people. But I want the world to know of them through my eyes and my emotions. They are important and they should know it. And by sharing this with them maybe it helps me feel reconnected to the world I lost contact with 12 years ago. I am tired of this small self imprisoned bubble I exist in. I want to share who I think are the most beautiful humans and the wonderful things they do.

Writing is the only tool I have right now but I do see an end to it. I think once I’ve covered enough of these thank you’s and enough of my past I may move on to other mediums. My wife generously allowed me to buy a Go Pro camera. I want to try experimental art with it. If nothing else, I can use it from time to time to capture my wife and I on our future adventures we are planning. I know I want to create something but I am not ready to do that quite yet. Until then I guess I’ll continue with what I am doing.